Flashback

Today morning as usual was running across the over bridge at Goregoan station to get into the 9 am local train. While running, got a glimpse of this man and woman walking hand in hand. When it’s just twenty seconds for the train to leave I usually run like a bullet towards the train. In split seconds I bumped into the couple.
I dashed the lady and both of us jolted back. I now sense “stares” at me from all directions. The lady was blind with a stick in her hand and the man holding her tight.
I could see all the people around judging me; I sunk into the ground beneath me and FLASHBACK.
9th standard, all students scoring more than 75% were taken to St. Xavier’s School in town for a science exhibition. I was very excited; Lorraine and one another teacher accompanied us to the exhibition. It was also my first Mumbai local train journey without family.
I got up early excited put on my uniform and reached school. Everything, from the train vendors, to the people travelling and the fighting women in the train seemed exciting to me.
We reached Churchgate station and were walking towards the school. When suddenly I hit an old man and his stick fell down. He was too old to pick up the walking stick. I was standing there watching him struggling to pick up the stick but I just walked away.
I saw my friends helping him out. All of them and the teachers gave me the worst look ever. I can never forget that.
I feel so lost sometimes- I don’t know why I did not help that man. I did not have fun at the exhibition that day.
Today I was reminded of that day….

Real thing....is it?

All these years there have been many incidents when a normal person would feel a strong emotion in that particular situation and respond. But since I won’t feel that emotion, not only do I act the emotion that would be appropriate and sometimes even react. One significant incident was during my graduation years. My aunt (mother’s elder sister) was terminally ill which was severe case of liver cirrhosis and the house was grim. Mom would be sad whole day and dad was the usual. My sister would be sad too, I don’t know how much of it was because my aunt was ill but definitely coz mom was so upset.

I would never feel the sadness in fact when I used to pray for my aunt well being I did not really feel it. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I often tell my sister and some friends that I am not a good human being and they laugh it off thinking that I am just trying to draw their attention. But when I say it I really mean it sometimes especially when I see my mom and my sister. They are both so strong to have the courage to feel for others. Miraculously my aunt is safe and sound now. Indeed it is a miracle!!!

It not that I am emotionally cold, when people are mean or rude to me I feel very upset....very upset and no matter how much ever I try to get over it, I can’t. So I realized I feel strongly only for myself (It’s not so good to be self consumed). As time passed by I devised a really cool method to have some compassion for others. Every bad situation others are in I imagine me to be them. I make myself so much a part of the sufferers feeling that I started to feel the way that they did. Now in this case though the way I do it is wrong but the emotion is strong and true (unlike earlier where it was pure faking). Being true makes me feel very light hearted.

However being happy is something that needs zero efforts, I can be happy for anyone anytime. No brain work goes into that and no faking for sure. Happy happiness!!!!

"Everything is possible, if you can't do it then find the cheat code...Everything is imperfect"

Boy: " I luv u"

Girl: " I luv u 2" (Do I?)

Hot gal enters the room....Boy drools over d hot one.

Boy: " I luv u"(Do I?)

Girl: :-(...( I soo luv him)

No sorry there is something about some men which is irresistible

Theres something about married men....

As time is passing by, the demarcation between black and white is blurring....i see more of grey everywhere ....