Me, God and Swaps!!!!!!!!!!!!

The most frequently used three words in my life, “I don’t know”. I don’t like to use it anymore. I want to give real answers. So when someone asks me-Do you believe in God? I say “I don’t know” Again the same bullshit. The problem is that I can’t give answers without thinking that’s why “I don’t know”. Ask me questions, I will answer but please give me time. My processor is slow. I guess that’s why I like people who are spontaneous in answering. But only to realize they did not mean what they said.
So do you believe in God? When I was a kid I used to pray to God after having a bath and before going to sleep. It was more like a recital without actually meaning what I say. I continue to do that even today. I go to temples sometimes. The whole concept is confusing. There are things I feel for real. For example when I hate someone I know I hate him and it’s real. When I am nervous about something I know I am nervous and it’s real. When I distrust someone I know it’s real. But I don’t know when I love someone; I don’t know when I trust someone, when I need someone. May be no as an answer seems the right thing to do for all these questions.
It’s so unreal when I say I believe in God! I listen to myself and I am like stop the bullshit. I believe in nature and nature is God! Man made God, religion, rituals coz it makes life easier for him. Someone to blame for when things go wrong. When life is dirty something to believe in coz it’s much more difficult to believe in myself so let me believe in something that probably made me and many others who turned out to be pretty good! To come to see I do believe in God. I talk to myself all day long. If there’s a bit of God in me…Maybe.
Its very sickening when people do poojas and rituals for me, it’s a slap on my face saying;” You are a fuckin loser so we need God to fix things for you.”
Another totally different thought which is eating on my brain cells is Couple swapping. I hear it is very rampant these days, I mean even in India. How does that work. I mean I know men can do any women anytime it doesn’t really have anything to do with emotions- at least that’s what they try to portray about themselves. But how do women do it? I mean isn’t physical intimacy so close to emotional intimacy for women. I cant sleep with someone whom I don’t have feeling for and what I am scared about is that in future no matter reason it is I don’t want to be emotionally disconnected with my body. It’s like being dead.
To think of it is liberating, I can be sexually involved with anyone but my love is only for one man. If the world achieves that kind of psychological level we would all be God!! I am not God!! So do I believe in God?...........I don’t know.

I like myself today!!!!!!!!

My Answer!!!!!!

Nature seems to compete with technology today. A question popped up in my overly analytical mind and I get a reply next day. Kudos Mother Nature!!! Just when I am thinking about men-women and all other self created complicated theories I get my answer. Yesterday I got back from work almost dead and put the Li'l friend on ( My television set of course). I am the average Indian viewer who like anything that is full of hardcore masala. I was switching channels when I came across NGC and they were airing a documentary on the lives of the third sex. I watched it- The story they were showing was of Anand who in India belongs to the "Hijra" community. She as per the locals tradition during one of the festivals gets married to God and then according to the rituals becomes a widow in the coming week( Not very clear why they do that). The celebrations are like a real wedding or funeral, first she is as happy a newly wed bride and then in widowhood she cries in soulful pain. The interesting part here is that all this is a pretend life and nothing is real but Anand looked very happy doing all that. Its the best. After all this she goes drinking with her friends and boyfriend ( God You are so mean wot did I do wrong to not have a boyfriend)
And the narrow minded, small hearted, self pitying me is stuck in the two sexes when the third sex is living out there! To all the third sexes! Love you all!
I am not a sexist can't afford to be one!

Am I a Sexist?

How is the pride of a man different from that of a woman? Is it different? I am tired of telling myself, It's not about gender but about an individual. I feel like a feminist. My pillars in life: My mother and my sister. My want in life to have a girl child. I feel like a sexist. Two pillars remain empty - one that of a father and the other a partner and I never dream of having a baby boy. Is it because they are roles played my men. I feel sick. I like men infact love them, the traits they potray are amazing. Their role in the society is amazing. Thought of being a feminist is scary I rather not be one.

Every aspect of life has been institutionalised. From education to profession to companionship to spirituality to death. A child is born is immediately a part of this. Is it the only way of life or is there a choice? At this stage of life I cant think of being otherwise. To think of it- institutions are a way of bringing order and humans unlike animals like order, patterns and trends in everything. So, this is evolution then why is everyone so claustrophobic or is it just me? Everyday I try to find patterns in people and try to club people into different categories as per their sex, age , education,activities but there are always exceptions which kills the pattern. Unlike the theories we learn in school I dont like exceptions because then the theory doesnt hold true. The exception may happen to anyone and what if its me. Everyone and everything is so different- how can these insitutions suffice for all of them.