Me, God and Swaps!!!!!!!!!!!!

The most frequently used three words in my life, “I don’t know”. I don’t like to use it anymore. I want to give real answers. So when someone asks me-Do you believe in God? I say “I don’t know” Again the same bullshit. The problem is that I can’t give answers without thinking that’s why “I don’t know”. Ask me questions, I will answer but please give me time. My processor is slow. I guess that’s why I like people who are spontaneous in answering. But only to realize they did not mean what they said.
So do you believe in God? When I was a kid I used to pray to God after having a bath and before going to sleep. It was more like a recital without actually meaning what I say. I continue to do that even today. I go to temples sometimes. The whole concept is confusing. There are things I feel for real. For example when I hate someone I know I hate him and it’s real. When I am nervous about something I know I am nervous and it’s real. When I distrust someone I know it’s real. But I don’t know when I love someone; I don’t know when I trust someone, when I need someone. May be no as an answer seems the right thing to do for all these questions.
It’s so unreal when I say I believe in God! I listen to myself and I am like stop the bullshit. I believe in nature and nature is God! Man made God, religion, rituals coz it makes life easier for him. Someone to blame for when things go wrong. When life is dirty something to believe in coz it’s much more difficult to believe in myself so let me believe in something that probably made me and many others who turned out to be pretty good! To come to see I do believe in God. I talk to myself all day long. If there’s a bit of God in me…Maybe.
Its very sickening when people do poojas and rituals for me, it’s a slap on my face saying;” You are a fuckin loser so we need God to fix things for you.”
Another totally different thought which is eating on my brain cells is Couple swapping. I hear it is very rampant these days, I mean even in India. How does that work. I mean I know men can do any women anytime it doesn’t really have anything to do with emotions- at least that’s what they try to portray about themselves. But how do women do it? I mean isn’t physical intimacy so close to emotional intimacy for women. I cant sleep with someone whom I don’t have feeling for and what I am scared about is that in future no matter reason it is I don’t want to be emotionally disconnected with my body. It’s like being dead.
To think of it is liberating, I can be sexually involved with anyone but my love is only for one man. If the world achieves that kind of psychological level we would all be God!! I am not God!! So do I believe in God?...........I don’t know.