Truth

"Its like I learn the same lesson again and again...................there is nothing more fascinating and intriguing than the "Truth". Sometimes I run away from it and sometimes I seek it more desperately than anything else in my life. But everytime it seems new.............May I have the strength to seek it and face all my life.....Cheers"

Polymerism

Any one who knows chemistry knows what a Polymer is. A wikipedia definition says "A polymer is a large molecule (macro molecule) composed of repeating structural units. These subunits are typically connected by covalent chemical bonds. Although the term polymer is sometimes taken to refer to plastics, it actually encompasses a large class of natural and synthetic materials with a wide variety of properties."

Psycho graphic Profiling being my self claimed expertise I am gonna apply this term to Human Beings.


Origin of the Thought:
One day after work, Met a friend whose a sweetheart BTW,During one of the conversations following happened. Please take a breath, it is very very jumbled:

I say:" I think I don't know what i want in Life because if I get what I want. I will be happy and if I am happy, I will live in the fear of losing happiness hence I am more at ease with sadness and depression. So in other words sadness makes me Happy."

When I completed saying this both of us were so Confused that I further added to cut the silence, " I think I am complicated."

To which she immediately responded, " No You are not complicated, You are just Stupid"

After thinking about it for the next 4 to 5 hrs, i realised she was right. But I am not going tell people I am stupid...no way....so what do I do, what do I do.....Aaha I coined a new term, I am not complicated I am Polymeric..How cool does that sound!

All you people out there call yourself Polymeric.. that's the way to go!!! Yay

I wana have your babies :-P!!!!!

Today I was walking home when I saw this man with a baby in his arms. I was just walking past them and the baby cries out mamma, mamma, ma to me.I almost melted to nothing there. This is so unfair...god y u duing this to me!Dont make such incidents happen to me!Lol.

Manoj=Joy!

My Answer!!!!!!

Nature seems to compete with technology today. A question popped up in my overly analytical mind and I get a reply next day. Kudos Mother Nature!!! Just when I am thinking about men-women and all other self created complicated theories I get my answer. Yesterday I got back from work almost dead and put the Li'l friend on ( My television set of course). I am the average Indian viewer who like anything that is full of hardcore masala. I was switching channels when I came across NGC and they were airing a documentary on the lives of the third sex. I watched it- The story they were showing was of Anand who in India belongs to the "Hijra" community. She as per the locals tradition during one of the festivals gets married to God and then according to the rituals becomes a widow in the coming week( Not very clear why they do that). The celebrations are like a real wedding or funeral, first she is as happy a newly wed bride and then in widowhood she cries in soulful pain. The interesting part here is that all this is a pretend life and nothing is real but Anand looked very happy doing all that. Its the best. After all this she goes drinking with her friends and boyfriend ( God You are so mean wot did I do wrong to not have a boyfriend)
And the narrow minded, small hearted, self pitying me is stuck in the two sexes when the third sex is living out there! To all the third sexes! Love you all!
I am not a sexist can't afford to be one!

Am I a Sexist?

How is the pride of a man different from that of a woman? Is it different? I am tired of telling myself, It's not about gender but about an individual. I feel like a feminist. My pillars in life: My mother and my sister. My want in life to have a girl child. I feel like a sexist. Two pillars remain empty - one that of a father and the other a partner and I never dream of having a baby boy. Is it because they are roles played my men. I feel sick. I like men infact love them, the traits they potray are amazing. Their role in the society is amazing. Thought of being a feminist is scary I rather not be one.

I got a review on my post "Number 1, Number 2" from a very good friend of mine. I know him so I know he is too lazy to comment on it. He says, " When you are spectator you dont move ahead in life. When something happens you either act or react not just sit around and be a spectator. And if you are one you surely are a loser." My thoughts on it, " Point taken sir.. I dont want to be one anymore. Captain Rashmi taking charge." :-)

Number 1 and Number 2

Thursday night I was watching the CNN IBN where they were talking about the India Pakistan talks. I agree with the argument that how is it possible to have an ambiguous statement like that- treat composite dialogues and action on terror as two mutually exclusive events. Even a commoner like me understands it’s the lamest statement ever. They say the argumentative Indian I say the ambiguous Indian. So when you can’t deal with the situation make a statement that can be twisted as per your need in future. We need a leader not escapist. I slept over with the thought.

Friday morning I was standing in the 9.30 local lined up towards the Dadar side, the thought still in my mind. I was looking down at my feet, God they need care. I turned to my right I saw a girl in blue salwar kameez with a black mangalsutra around her neck. I have seen that face and the sorrow reflecting through it before. I know her. She was my classmate in my first year of graduation. I guess hung around with for a couple of days. Let’s refer to her as No.1. She was a pleasant person but I wasn’t. I was in the “what a loser could not become a doctor phase with a grudge against everyone.” Obviously she was bored and moved to more fun people. Then we did not interact since we chose different specializations, until the October of 2003. That was the year when our college took us on an industrial visit to Kanha national Park, a must visit place- total adventure. She was in the trip too with her new found love, Amit. I knew the guy he was a lab partner very funny (typical bhaiyya dialogues.Omkara types). He has a story…
He loved a girl in their gang but the girl was seeing someone else, so the high on hormones he turned to the girl No.1 to calm him down.

Now I and my girls shared a room with gal No.1 at the visit. Every night she would sneak to the guy’s room, Amit. Next day the guys in their room would give us dope. That’s when I was shocked. He would abuse her verbally I don’t know whether physically also. He would ask her to take her clothes off like literally,”Chal abhi shirt utar, jeans bhi main hi utaru kya, randi? Etc, etc” She would do everything he asked her. Then through out the trip we saw her being insulted, verbally abused – most of which I did not even understand. She faked happiness when she was in the room with us. But her face was sorrowful….. Always not even an ounce of genuine happiness. He wasn’t the same to others; he was nice to all of us. But with her he would be the worst man on earth. All through the college years she sustained the relationship but I don’t know for what. I guess that’s love. But quite stupid indeed!!! Today she is married; wonder whether to him or someone else. I want to see her again sometime in future with a happy face. Amen.
From no where I thought of Gal No.2 from my B School. She was so beautiful every guy I met wanted her. She was rich, fun, smart … I mean like a fantasy, like a dream come true & to add to that she had found her perfect match. But something was missing; I would not feel the “REAL” in her.
My heart is jittery with these two gals. Why so much disparity one so real but sad and another so pretentious but happy. I don’t want to be in this world with inequality of such enormous levels.

Where do I fit in this scheme of things, neither am I gal no. 1 nor 2. I feel like I am in the background of my own story,
When I am with my friend, it’s my friend’s story,
When I am with a guy, it’s the guy’s story,
When I am with my sister, it’s her story,
When I am with my mom, it’s her story,
When I am with my dad, it’s his story,
When I am at work, it’s the office’s story….
It’s too late to be the main lead now. After some thought it dawned on me, my role is that of a spectator. Yes I am the spectator. No don’t underestimate it. It’s good to be The Spectator. That’s what I am!! But now help me to find it's application?

That rainy day........

I was walking on the Poly chem road to the station, almost drenched and dreadfully was wearing not so much of a rain friendly color, especially for a local mode of transport. When no ones on the road I enjoy my walks. I saw a guy standing about 30 feet away from me. He was about 6 feet tall without an umbrella, and ya he was drenched too. He was one of those construction workers who have amazing bodies and walk around shirtless in low rise worn out pants. And when at work have cement and mud all over their body…………..A big screen version would be Arjun Rampal (in the famous Jaanleva song). All men fashions have evolved from these men and cowboys. Ladies worth all your drools. They are rare but you do find them at all new building construction sites, they usually have an “I hate you” look on their face.
I was kinda checking him out when my eyes halted at his groin. Oh my Gawd…..his thing was out but he wasn’t peeing and it was ….ahem ahem. Shee shee Rashmi get some shame stop looking at him like that. But he was the only one on the road. O god now he was just 15 feet away, wot do I do … I don’t want to be molested today. There’s no one else on the road…if he comes towards me I will hit him with my umbrella and run away. Or if I get cold feet, I will try shouting out loud. But there’s no one around God pls pls send me my hero. Damn y am I so hot, men just can’t keep it down. hehheh (All gals say this at least once to themselves in a day. It makes us feel so good inside.)
Just ten feet away my heart is pumping like a first kiss syndrome with less of excitement and more of fright. Rashmi just block your mind, look down and walk past him as fast as possible. When was just 5 feet away I looked at him. It’s just that impulse when you stop yourself from doing something and end up doing the same thing. Aaah he was one of those who keep a straight face and molest the girl and go away and the girl is still thinking did it happen or am I dreaming? And by the time she is sure he is already unreachable. I hate that kind not that I have any liking for the others. At this point I am reminded of a friend who told me once that she read in a book (I think its Fountain Head) not so sure, that a girl who was being raped starts enjoying it in the process. Sounds sick but I relate to it and to her.
This puts me in another frame of mind, when I sometimes fantasize sex with God not a physical form but something unexplainable. I feel if my sexuality is the best that I can offer to anyone then shouldn't’t it be the best thing to offer to God. I think I need therapy, anyway coming back to the guy on Poly chem road I looked down at his crotch.
What the Fuck…the guy was just holding his umbrella against his hip and standing sideways with a skin colored handle -which from my side made it seem like his penis. I think I should start wearing spectacles and some make up from tomorrow.

I think I am a superwoman and can handle everything by myself …At the end of the day flat on my face….aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

"Some one showed me the mirror yesterday, And its scary what i saw!"

A day in a life...

Me to U: Hi how are you today? You look good today. How do I look? U know wot I did not put make up. This is all natural. Aint I pretty? Gosh I am so tired, dont feel like working? The heat is killer. Hey do that dance move you showed me yesterday, it was supercute! I will try it when i go out sometime. It will surely be a hit. Do it na....Ok fine I wont force u..its not that cute anyway..Wot are you working on..Do u need help? I can help u! Y arent u talking to me?

U to Me: Please donot talk to me. I am allergic to dumbness.hahahhahahahhahahaha

"Talli ho gayi"

I am trying to write more cheerful stuff on my blog, “Insha'Allah” let today be the first attempt. What could be more cheerful than alcohol? I always knew I love alcohol even before I had it for the first time. I am not a connoisseur but I enjoy it. Maybe there is an underlying psychological reasoning to it too. My father (Achan) is a strict man never tasted it (not even once) and a simple man. There is nothing lavish about him and nothing expressive either.
When I was little I have heard how my grandfather (father’s father) lived life king-size, expressed love, and expressed life. Everyone loved him for the little time he spent with the family other times he would be away for work. Achan on the other hand being the eldest son was thrust with the responsibility of the entire family when grandpa wasn’t around. He grew up before his age; he never had his well- deserved childhood.
All men in the family drank at some time or the other, but achan did not. All men in the family showed how much they love life but achan did not. I saw a lot of achan in me. But I did not want to be a miser in enjoying life. Even as a kid I would dream of being high, singing and dancing. I vividly remember as a kid I would always roll up paper to make it look like beedi and sit like a village simpleton smoking. Amma would yell at me. But I would not budge. Amma said,” Given an opportunity you would surely drink and smoke.” I believed in what she said.
While growing up I would walk like I am drunk or lost, and people would call me “bevdi”. I would act angry but quite liked the title :-) . Then finally in college I smoked for the first time. Some seniors gave me the unique opportunity. The first time smoking was a big story itself (Maybe some other time). Then came drinking, first time I did not feel anything different except for being warm inside. (Just like wine which I had tasted before, only this time the drink was vodka). I did not know the alcoholic jargon still don’t know, I had vodka….neat.
I remember singing that day, there wasn’t any space otherwise I would have danced too. Then I stuck to vodka for a long time about two years. After that, some friends used to call me gutter cause it would drink anything offered no preferences but as I said not a connoisseur (also no monies).
Now have graduated to whisky, it’s easy on my stomach. I don’t drink coz I am depressed or happy or angry or ugly or beautiful or sick or healthy. I don’t need a reason. Alcohol need not be justified by any other reason; it in itself is grand and eventful.

Nightmare Decoded….

Last week Ashu, my sister, wasn’t keeping well…….. the viral fever had laid its hand on almost everyone in Mumbai. On Thursday, 4th September, she slept with mum. At about 1.30 am after checking my mails I went to sleep with the entire bed just to myself. I kept the window open and just dropped down to sleep. I had just fallen asleep when suddenly got up with a jerk. My eyes fell onto my window. I saw the weirdest gang of people waving out to me from my window. I don’t remember the exact faces but I am sure all of them were familiar.

One of them Siddharth called out my name and asked to me join them in their attempt to search his pet sheep, Jo, which was apparently missing since that afternoon. I was least interested in searching but I like adventure so I joined. Quickly I opened the door without making one bit noise and went outside to meet them. Siddarth was new to the society and was staying at “Silver Sand”, which was right behind my building. Mrs. Mehra who was accompanying him was the last one to have seen the sheep go into the mangrove area behind our society. People say it is an haunted area since there are constant talks about supernatural experiences especially of people who have gone missing there. The only thing I was sure about was that it was the only place my friends could go drinking without being caught.

So four of us Siddarth, Mrs. Mehra, Bahadur ( the watchman) and me set out looking for Jo. After walking in the wild for sometime Mrs. Mehra could'nt take it anymore, and Siddarth volunteered to drop her home. I still don’t know why he did that ….Bahadur could have gone with the lady, leaving the possibility of a romantic encounter between Siddarth and me. Anyway I volunteered to be the superwoman and save the sheep (though I did not see the point in saving it as I may eat the same poor fella some other time). A part of me said it would be really cool to save Jo.

Bahadur like his name was a brave man; he was guiding me all the way. Suddenly he started walking very fast I asked him to slow down but he just ignored me. Now he was running and in no time got lost in the dark. Suddenly I realized I was all alone in a jungle…. the fear was just sinking in when this man with color all over his face came in front of me. He was an Aghori baba, wasn’t having a piece of cloth on his body. He walked towards me and before I could do or say a thing he got his hands around my neck and started to strangle me. I was going out of breath; I struggled to free myself from him only to die with my eyes almost popping out of the socket.

I was dead but could still see myself, my body looked ugly. I never wanted to die ugly for that matter I never wanted to die. I guessed that it was my spirit which was seeing the body being dragged by the Aghori. He dragged my corpse to a cave as I followed. The cave was just up a small mount and I could see fire there. I was curious why he would kill me. My body had become soggy and bruised.

Inside the cave was an idol of lord shiva and after decorating my corpse with flowers and beads. He started a puja. After the puja he dug he nails into my abdomen to pull out my liver. He started feeding on it. The liver followed my other organs. I was scared ….never been so scared in my whole life. His face was the only thing I could see with blood spilling out of his mouth. His hands reached out to my chest when I screamed and woke up……...Thank god I was dreaming.

About a month ago at lunch one of my colleagues told me about Aaghori babas. Theses Aghoris have intercourse with the dead and feed on them. The thought stuck to my mind but I suppressed the fear. The fear still remained within me wanting badly to express it self. On Thursday the mind found the opportunity and let it go……

The Stranger Everyone Loves

This time wen it happened, it made me realize about this phenomena...So many times on days wen i feel really really depressed or helpless, out of nowhere sum stranger brings a smile to my face. And it feels like heaven...a transition from restlessness to serenity.
Last week on one of those days, i just got of d railway station with an attempt to reach office on time. I was getting down the stairs , when an old woman with d most wrinkled face i had ever seen dressed in a Navari Saree ( d typical green and maroon) hit me with a stick. I had rarely felt d hit wen she put out her hand towards me. She pulled me into her arm and hugged me. With her soft and tender hands she caressed me and in her eyes i saw love after such a long time..
She smiled and let me go but i wanted more of it.. I was thinking of her all day long..even now..

Often i seek solace in strangers than people i already know. But there is a reason for this..wen u confide in a friend or family there is a huge burden of expectations on your shoulder as well as your friend's. But a sudden gesture of care from a stranger is totalling unexpected and cuts through layers to reach d heart.

In fact many a times it makes me go back to d routine all rejuvenated and i don't know how but it makes me care more for friends and family than before..

I love the stranger in my life.....

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

Very often we meet people who look lost.....I believe they just live in the future....in other words they day dream. I like to have a control over whatever happens in my life therefore i like to discuss day dreaming than d usual night ones.

Top 5 dreams of my life

To be one of the Miss India's (FAME)

To own an island (OWNERSHIP)

To swim across a water body (ACHIEVEMENT)

To change at least one life for good (GIVING BACK)

To have my own happily ever after (LOVE).......

I want each one to come true....

It’s tough for a copy- paste person like me (management student that I am) to get into action, especially to employ a bunch of school dropouts. But fate drove us ( a bunch of college enthusiasts) into it or rather Yamini, a second year student who has taken up a full time job with them. 31st March, 2007 marks a special day for ME. They say we need to go beyond the syllabus, beyond books; this was the best possible opportunity to do so, where we act as a bridge between the world of opportunities and the world of lost hopes; K.S.W.A. being the facilitator.
That morning the sun was scorching stronger than ever before, as if our conviction was put to test. But we managed to assemble at the Kherwadi ground exactly at 9.00 a.m. Supporting K.S.W.A. in this endeavor were our counterparts from NMIMS, who handled the registration. But an enthusiastic lot that we were; made us go beyond a mere desk job & so we took up guidance and enquiry. The task was basically to ensure that the job seekers were not lost and were directed to the right stall.
Coming to the stalls, it’s rare to see companies like First source, H.S.B.C, L.I.C, Reliance Retail, R.K.H.S., Pizza Hut, N & Y, B.G. , Eureka Forbes, ITC to name a few, come under one roof. Should have got our CVs too….. Naah where was the time? People just barged in and with them brought in their dreams and aspirations! Batch after batch were given a snapshot of what their career plan should be like and how a job is different from a career. It was an effort to convert mere wishes into strong determinations. The way to achieve them was through the vocational training courses held at K.S.W.A. or through training and placements within the companies. Was it fruitful for them, of course it was, says ninety percent of the response taken and the rest were there for fun anyway. The reason being the sketching, dancing, singing & mehndi competitions held or perhaps, the prizes given.
Was it of use to us? ………..it has to be a big YES, where else do you interact with people who may be your future customers, centered on whom you make your future strategies. Where else can you see individuals come out of their inhibitions just because you show some amount of respect? Where else can you learn that you need nothing to survive but the will to survive? There have been experiences that each of the ten of us would want to narrate….. Experiences which moved us or may be changed at least an iota of us.
The two of them seemed lost or rather intimidated by the crowd and the ambience, but Sheetal and Nazneen somehow managed to halt at the guidance hall. Both were matriculate and wanted a life of respect and dignity. And what better place to be than here…..knowing their background one of the volunteers took them to the R.K.H.S. stall for housekeeping . The work initially did not seem flowery but the scope ahead and the thought that “there has to be a beginning somewhere drove them into accepting the offer”
There were many such Sheetals & Nazneens, the first step towards building whose career was put forth that day….. And how glad were we to be a part of all this! People came in and out and no sooner was it noon but there was no one who was hungry or thirsty or wanting a break! But at 2.30 p.m. our shift was over or rather we were relieved by some other students. We left the place with as much enthusiasm as we entered; the thought of coming the day after was rejuvenating enough.
1st April 2007, we had an afternoon shift that day. After the heavy dose of operational research and financial management we just rushed towards Kherwadi and our excitement was enough to add on a couple of more volunteers to TEAM MET.
The second day wasn’t as hectic as the first day but there was a constant inflow of people, the publicity efforts taken by the association were commendable. The fair ended at about 6.00 p.m. and there was an air of content within each of the organizer who managed to pull it off with supreme efficiency. It was evident that they were foreseeing a footfall of 5000 and more next year, which was almost double the current numbers.
But were we content is a big question …….there was emptiness within everyone one of the volunteer; as each one had to reply to their own conscience. What have we done to deserve what we have or what have these socially neglected individuals done to not deserve what we have? The past two days have been hard for each one coz it is hard to live a life of pleasures when people who know the art of living better still struggle to make ends meet.
But there is one thing that keeps us going even today that is the “will” to work towards making ourselves worth what we already have. This struggle within ourselves will now keep us intact emotionally and morally in life’s worst situations and that’s the reason we say that;
“The second opportunity was grabbed by us”

We thank K.S.W.A. and Yamini for this enriching experience.